being mean, or being awesome?

i have been thinking a lot about being a mean person. sometimes, i am a mean person. i get really passive-aggressive with people who tailgate; i like to slow down until i can see their upset faces in the rearview mirror, and then when they try to pass me i speed up so they can't. eventually, you have to let them go, because they are like a lit fuse and they might just pull a gun or ram you, but not before you flip them the bird. i let my bosses have it when they try to talk to me about work while i am at lunch. the hell! that is my time and i don't care if i am just using it to stare into space or think about rockets, i am not going to talk to you. i made fun of the girl who made out with someone in my roommate's bed during our party, pretty much to her face (to her internet face). but i'm okay with these things. doing them feels good and i don't regret them.

what does make me feel bad, though, is saying mean things about people that i don't really hate that much, even if they have been mean to me. i feel like i complain a lot, and throw little things way out of proportion when people nod their heads at what i'm saying. i also gossip about people i actually like. i think that this makes me a bad person. also, being rude to people i don't know just because i'm in a bad mood. most people are just regular people like me, who are trying just as hard as i am. they just want to get home and play rpgs or take pictures of their cat and put them on the internet or fondle their sweaters or whatever they're into. being polite to strangers can really make everyone's day - that's something you learn when you are a waitress. there is just no reason to be mean to people you don't know (unless they've done something to you, like cut you in line at the india cart). one time i was really nice at the airport and a guy upgraded me to first class. being nice can do awesome things for you. being mean makes you a bad person.

sometimes i will go through a period where i try to be a better person, and it goes really well. i spent like two months like that, saying nice things about people instead of mean things and only gossiping about celebrities (that's okay because they expect it. it still might make them feel bad to know some of the opinions people have about their lives, or maybe a little hassled, but they know it's going to happen when they embark on a career that they hope will bring them fame and money) and then a couple fridays ago i just exploded. i could feel it coming - i had this insane urge to say the sassiest things to everyone. i cursed at the cat and shook my fist at other drivers and told my bosses "no" when they asked me to do things that weren't exactly within the boundaries of my job description. then we had a party, and the cops came twice, so when my roommates disappeared i turned the front yard into a police state. i swore at people and did this really scary fake smile and i even pushed one dude. pushed him! when one roommate approached me and showed concern for my lack of politeness to our 200+ guests, i pretty much told him to stuff it. i feel bad about that, but i do not feel bad for a single other thing i said or did. i relive some of my more glorious moments every day. i really want to be a good person, but i'm just not sure it's possible. being mean can be totally awesome.