i have been like this for as long as i remember

i have recently gotten pretty into visiting the dry sauna. at first, i couldn't stay in there very long because it got hard to breathe and i freaked out a little. then i slowly learned that if you roll with it, you breathe just fine. it's the panic that's inhibiting. it's especially nice when the swim team has temporarily taken over the locker room. if there is one thing worse than a gaggle of prepubescent girls, it's that gaggle in bathing suits and swim caps, giggling. during those times, the dry sauna is like a little fort. it's dark in there, and wood-panelled, and it just feels terrific to think about yourself in the world's tiniest, warmest ski lodge while all heck breaks loose in the shower. well today, i was there in the evening, and very much enjoying the world's tiniest ski lodge after a long day of hard work when a naked woman came in. as previously mentioned, i am pretty much a deer in the headlights around naked people. i said hello, but what to do after that? you can't look. i mean, you cannot look. you don't even want to! so do you look at the ceiling? the ground? it's horrible, and tangibly awkward, and the worst part is usually the other person is so cool with being naked that they think you are being insane and maybe you are but it is still terrible and no matter how hard you try you just can't be cool. the thing is, in the dry sauna, it's okay to close your eyes, because you're relaxing. so i did, immediately. but my posture may have belied my feigned nonchalance, because not a minute later - not a minute - i heard the door open and she was gone. i was relieved, but why had she left without even trying to experience the benefits of the dry sauna? i mean, she maybe took like three breaths. well, maybe she freaked out, i told myself. i know all about that. to tell the truth, the maybe half-minute she was there, i spent trying to decide when would be a good time to leave. even with my eyes closed, i didn't want to be in there. what if my eyes just flew open by accident, and i looked, and she saw me looking? a nightmare. but i didn't want to leave right away, because then it would be pretty obvious that i was like "oh god, a naked person! i gotta get out!" and that is not cool. so, when she left, i felt guilty because i thought she might have sensed my discomfort, but mostly i felt relieved. then, when i left the dry sauna, she was there, loitering outside. she made like she was going into the steamroom, but i knew that she had indeed sensed my discomfort and was angered by it, by my complete inability to deal with the concept of clothing-optional public spaces. when i turned into the shower, i peeked to confirm my suspicion of my own complicity. there she was - going into the steam room! not the dry sauna at all! nothing was my fault! except then, she turned and saw me looking. for shame.

i have been thinking this hard about things that happen between me and other people since i can remember thinking at all. you can imagine what my experiences with boys have been like. HORRIBLE. even just watching the o.c. leaves me emotionally exhausted. jake is the most low-key, minimal-drama person i have ever met. that is why this is to date the most successful relationship i've been in. sure, we both like comic books and star wars and some kinds of music, but those things are like trinkets you buy at the thrift store that look nice in the afternoon light coming through your window in the fall. they really don't matter.