i am pretty much over the whole wizard rock thing

i realized i was just using harry potter as a crutch to avoid larger issues, and this was giving me a growing sense of impending doom, so i confronted most of them and called my grandparents. that always makes me feel better. here are some of them:
- where i will be in the fall
- staying here in the summer after jake is gone (probably no, i can't imagine some craigslist roommates being way into me privately freaking out and ignoring my needy cat)
- leaving would mean quitting my awesome internship early
- what if i fucked up this whole grad school thing and end up not doing what i want to do, or taking a long time doing it

here are some answers:
- probably in boston, almost definitely not where jake is but we will try and make it work, it's only a year anyway and we'll both be real busy
- we can both stay til around the beginning of august so we will probably just get a two-month sublet together or something and ride bikes
- i would only have to quit a month early, and i think they will be cool with it
- made myself feel better and figured out a way to still apply for an MAT in the fall

it's weird how anxiety and depression seem like opposite ends of a spectrum when really they are two sides of the same coin. i have been reading a lot of batman lately and i think that came straight out of a twoface pun. but really - anxiety builds up until it is depression. you get this feeling of helplessness, this unbearable restlessness, until all you can do is think about harry potter and not move. and depression, well, that leads to all kinds of anxiety. never going anywhere alone for fear that people will recognize you as a loser, never getting dressed because you look lame in everything you own, trying not to spend money for fear that one day you will be poor and go to jail over a misunderstanding. not that i have serious anxiety or am seriously depressed, but everyone encounters these kinds of feelings every once in a while. while i studied it, it didn't make sense at all, but now i completely understand why they prescribe anti-anxiety meds to the depressed.

also, i just switched texting methods from the one where you tell your phone which letter you want by pressing the number a bunch of times to the one where you just press the number once, and it sort of guesses. it gets it right way more times than i thought it would and my life is suddenly way, way easier. even though the only person i ever text is jake. i would text my mom but her phone is broken.